Waiting for inspiration

Long time no see.

I know, I know, I’m awful. I don’t really have an excuse other than I’ve got this new job and it threw my schedule out of kilter. I should have made time though and for that I’m sorry. Honestly.

Bygones.

So as I’m blaming my new job for taking me away from you I thought I’d make it the subject of my triumphant return(Slightly like rubbing salt in the wound I know). But still, I’m really enjoying myself. The staff are (for the most part) lovely and I’ve made some really good friends. I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so much at work. I am, it would seem, slap-bang in the middle of the honeymoon period where everything is peachy. I’ve no doubt that in a couple of months I’ll be bitching as much as I did in my old job (old habits are hard to break after all) but in the mean time it’s all fun and fairycakes so I’ll make the most of it while it lasts.

So, if everything’s hunky dory you’re probably wondering what I could possibly have to talk about. Don’t worry. I’m not going to gloat for one thousand words because whilst I do fit into the small percentage of people who enjoy their work and 90% of customers are  delightful, it is my belief that certain people really shouldn’t be allowed in restaurants. If, for example, you order the house wine and go through the process of swirling it round your glass, holding it up to the light and gargling with it; you’re obviously an idiot.

Customers, you see, are stupid and there’s something about running around like a chicken with your head cut off whilst people ask you inane questions such as ‘excuse me, is there cream in your cream of broccoli soup?’ that makes one a trifle irritated. We run into people that annoy us everyday but being a waiter means you can’t shout ‘Piss off you stupid old bat!’ even though you desperately want to. Chefs have it pretty bad but at least they can scream and throw knives at each other. We don’t have an outlet. We have to smile and ask if we can get you anything else.

So it would appear that for most people the act of walking through a restaurant door renders one’s IQ inconsequential and I have come to the conclusion that most people have no idea about restaurant etiquette. I have therefore thrown together a small list of things that not only annoy me but pretty much every other waiter I know:

1. First off, what is it with customer’s and their complete and utter inability to tell the time? Why do they always think ten minutes is an hour? I’m acutely aware of how long your food’s taken; it’s part of my job. Don’t insult my intelligence and tell me you’ve been waiting forty minutes when I know damn well you’ve been waiting fifteen. If you’re the kind of person that gets stressed waiting for food then make a note of the time I took the order. If it’s longer than half an hour then you have my permission ask where your food is although most waiters will have already been on the phone to the kitchen. We don’t like waiting for your food either.

2. I spend an extraordinarily large part of my day wondering how people who are so obviously lacking in social skills manage to procreate let alone tie their shoe laces in the morning. They don’t know what pesto is but by some survival of the fittest loophole they’ve managed to spread their dysfunctional genes. I know this because the result is jumping up and down on my foot screaming that it wants ‘jooose!’. I have nothing against children. I plan on having my own someday but for goodness sakes if you want to enjoy your meal and you don’t want your waiter to be having visions of killing your darling child with a fork then leave the brat at home. Especially babies. Sod’s law dictates that the little bundle of joy will start screaming as soon as your food arrives. In what way does that contribute to an enjoyable meal?

3. The term ‘corked’ does not refer to the molecular make up of the thing plugging the top of your wine bottle. It means the wine has gone bad. With cork it’s usually some kind of fungi and the wine will smell like feet. With screw-tops it means air has got in so the wine has oxidized and will smell like vinegar. Screw-tops CAN GO OFF. If I offer you the wine to taste don’t look at me like I’m an idiot and say in a hoity toity voice, ‘It’s a screw top. It’ll be fine’. Most of the time I don’t say anything because I don’t want to make you look stupid in front of your friends but you might catch me when I’m in a bad mood so STOP IT.

4. At any one time during the rush (that’s generally 6:30pm-9pm for most restaurants) waiters have a list of about fifteen things they have to do in the next thirty seconds.  An average food order should take less than five minutes, ideally less than two. If you insist on waving at me like a groupie and then are not totally prepared to order when I come over, I’m going to start having murder fantasies. There’s nothing that irks me quite so much is when I have a million things to do and someone goes ‘uuuuh…what’s better? The steak or the fish?’. I actually get visions of beating said person around the head with my order pad. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t mind answering your mind numbingly stupid questions but if you’re the sort of person that can’t eat something until you feel like you’ve got to know it, I would suggest you don’t go to restaurants during the busy period. Come it at 3 o’clock I’ll be happy to talk to you for hours.

5. Please. For the love of God. Remember what you ordered. Plates are usually very hot and very heavy so when I’m standing at a table with three plates scalding ‘made in china’ into my skin and you’re going (with a look of mild bemusement on your face) ‘The lasagna? Did I have the lasagna or did Mary have the lasagna?’. I don’t care. Just take the freakin’ plate before I drop it in your lap.

6. Half way through your meal we’re required to come over and say (with mock enthusiasm) “How is your food!?”. It’s called a check back and you need to understand something; I honestly couldn’t give a rat’s ass what your food is like. It’s my job to ask. If I get found out I’m not doing check backs I get in trouble. So don’t look at me like I’m the rudest person in the world for interrupting your tediously insipid conversation. And yes, if you’ve got your mouth full, a thumbs up is more than acceptable.

7. The single rudest thing you can do without actually being abusive is to put your crap on the table next to you. NOTHING annoys waiters more. We don’t tend to look at empty tables so chances are we won’t notice it and it’ll leave a mark and we’ll end up having to clean the table/change the table cloth. Don’t put things on the floor either because I’ll kick it over. If you’re so uptight you can’t bear having an empty bottle on your table then politely call me over and say something along the lines of ‘Sorry I know I’m an anal-retentive simpleton but would you be so kind as to remove this from my table. It’s upsetting my dining experience’.

8. And finally, that squiggly ‘can i have the check’ mime-thing is OK. Honestly. People who call me over to say ‘Can I have the check?’ when I was standing by the till in the first place need to get over themselves. If I could do the whole thing in mime at a distance of twenty feet, I would.

So you’re probably wondering how on earth I can enjoy my job when I have such apparent disdain for my customers. Well, as I said before the majority of people are OK. Most people are aware that waiters are human beings with emotions and hopes and dreams and not nameless faceless drones sent to indulge your every whim. You people are cool. There are though, as always, a few people who ruin for the rest of us. Besides, complaining about customers is half the fun. I get to feel superior that I’d never say anything so stupid as ‘How’s your roast salmon cooked?’ and then have a good laugh about it with my waiter buddies. Which is ironic really because I say stupid things all the time.

9. Oh yes. If you don’t want to pay for service go to effing McDonalds. OK?